Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What the?

That's what the girls have taken to saying. And in context I might add. Becky and I don't use that expression so they must have gotten it somewhere else. TV or some other kid. Whatever additional word you'd like to put after it, (Fuck, hell, crap..) it's still not something we want them saying. Even if all they are saying is What The. Soon might have to break out the soap. HAHA

Occasionally they will say, "Come on!" This I will tolerate. Not thrilled about it, but I am not upset by it. I also understand because they get it, at least partially, from me. When they aren't doing what I asked, "Come on!". When I come across a big mess, "Come. ON!" When a fellow driver or pedestrian is taking to long to do whatever they are doing, "Come on!" Proving that kids will repeat what they hear and yes, they do understand what it means.

I think that in a previous life, Amelia was French. Or at least French was her first language. I can't remember all the examples right now but there are a few. For instance, when we lived with French exchange students I noticed that with some words that started with "h", they didn't pronounce it, and with some words that started with "a", they'd pronounce it as if I started with "h". Like "happle" or "amburger". Amelia will do that sometimes too. In Amelia's case, one example is the letter "h" itself. When she recites the alphabet, she says it like "heych" instead of "eych". When she sings the Hannah Montana song "Best of Both Worlds", she pronouced both as "boat". And very often when she is saying "to" she actually says "a". Like instead of "Are we going to the store?" it's "are we gun go a store?" Maybe it's me being weird. But I believe that sometimes there is hints as to where we came from.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Summer Classes For Men

              Summer Classes for Men at

              by Monday April 28, 2008

              Class 1
              How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
              Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

              Class 2
              The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
              Round Table Discussion.
              Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

              Class 3
              Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
              Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
              Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

              Class 4
              Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The
              Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
              Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

              Class 5
              Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
              Examples on Video.
              Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
              at 7:00 PM

              Class 6
              Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
              Help Line Support and Support Groups.
              Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

              Class 7
              Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places
              And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
              Open Forum
              Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

              Class 8
              Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
              Graphics and Audio Tapes.
              Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

              Class 9
              Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
              Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

              Class 10
              Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
              Driving Simulations.
              4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

              Class 11
              Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
              Online Classes and role-playing
              Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined

              Class 12
              How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
              Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
              Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

              Class 13
              How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries
              and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
              Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
              Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

              Class 14
              The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
              Live Demonstration.
              Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

              Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued
              to the survivors.

"GO BACK!!!!!"

The other day I took the girls on a walk after we went to the park. I had them both in the double stroller. When we went under the bridge on Centre, we came across a dead cat. Yikes. It wasn't bloody, but it was dead. It was on Amelia's side but she didn't see it. Grace did. She very calmly asked if that was a dead cat. I said yes. Amelia says "I dint see it! I wanna see it!" I just told her it was back there and kept on truckin'.

On the way back, it was on Grace's side. She knew it was coming. Before we got close enough that she could make it out, she covered her face and started chanting, "Are we past it yet?" At this point, Amelia is actively looking for the dead cat. As we slip past it, I tell Grace it's gone and Amelia tells Grace "I sawd it, Grace. I sawd the cat." The whole thing went better than I expected given that the cat looked the same as ours but with short hair instead of long.

But the drama is not over yet. Not by a long shot.

I'd say less than 50 feet further down the sidewalk (which is now bordered by a cement wall on one side, and a railing on the other) we encounter the most terrifying creature known to mankind. (DUN DUN DUN!) The Garter Snake. From my lookout position well over 5 feet off the ground I spotted the creature first. Not wanting to have the girls surprised, I stopped the stroller and informed them of the situation. Amelia remained calm (and oblivious I'm sure) but Grace had spotted the serpent herself over my shoulder as I bravely put myself between the girls and the monster. In essence, all hell broke loose. Grace was beside herself. A torrent of tears threatened to drown the cries of "GO BACK! GO THE OTHER WAY! AAAHHHHH!!!!!!" With much effort and pleading I was able to convince my dear lovely scaredy cat (whoops.) that we could pass without incident. I instructed her to close her eyes and I would get us past the evil serpent. (Amelia still cool as a cucumber and probably wondering what the hell Grace's problem is.)  I wanted to pick up the snake and show them how harmless it was but honestly, I've never touched a snake before. Not that I can remember anyway. During this time, the snake had graciously slithered over the side of the sidewalk to allow us to complete our journey unimpeded.

Neither damsel nor beast were harmed and all parties went on their merry way. That is, until the giant killer bumble bee dancing among the daffodils rendered the girls incapable of leaving the house or van. This time, Amelia was just as terrified. What are they gonna do when we move to the country?!

Because I'm bored, occasionally gross, and almost funny.

I am fighting some allergies right now. Hence, sniffing. Hard. I sniffed hard a little while ago and a huge chunk dislodged itself from my nasal passage and damn near choked me! I hacked it up and horked it out. Satisfying but even I will admit that's gross.

Becky made a good point. (she does that a lot. I'm not trying to highlight a special acheivement.) Why DO they sterilize the injection site for a lethal injection?

If you peeled a lemon, would it split apart like an orange?

Did you know that raw celery juice is an antidote for alcohol?

On the way to Kingston yesterday, I took the 401. I set the cruise at 118-119. Around Camden East there is a bunch of cones so people don't try and go into the now closed service centre. In that coned off area was a cop. On the westbound side of the highway. I was on the eastbound. I noticed it just as I was taking a sip of my drink. By the time I brought my drink down, I was past it. I looked in the rearview and the lights were flashing!! Shit! Why me?! But I never saw the cop again. Coincedence.

I like my toothbrush.

Now I have writer's block.

I don't know what a tisket OR a tasket is. I don't even know if I spelled them right.