I feel better now

I took a littel time last night/this morning and found a quiet place. I set an alarm in case I fell asleep and I meditated. I did a relaxation meditation. I felt much better when I came out of it. I missed meditation class the last 2 weeks and I haven't been very good about practicing. I think I just needed to relax, chill out, center myself. I guess it worked. I feel much better today even though I didn't sleep well at all. I should get lots of sleep tomorrow so that will help too. And after tonight, only 10 shifts til holidays!!! That's a reason to smile!

Not in the right headspace

I've been reading The Key to Theosophy by H.P. Blavatsky.  It's really interesting stuff. It's formed as a question and answer explaining what Theosophy is basically. What their beliefs are and what not. Lots of stuff about Karma and re-incarnation. It holds many parallels with Buddhism. But it's not simple stuff. First of all, it was written in 1889 so the language is a little different. Plus, the concepts are quite complicated. So I really have to have my "head in the game" to comprehend it. My head is not in the game tonight. Problem is, the only other thing I have to read is writings by Aristotle! Even older writings and just as (if not more) complicated! So I am wasting the time away blogging about it.

I was going to start reading The Book of Negroes by Lawrence Hall on my next break but I don't think I am in the mood for that tonight either. I may just whip out my notebook and write down whatever comes to mind. Make notes about whatever music I am listening to. What I should do is meditate. I need it.

Why do I do this?

The last time I worked 7 shifts in a row I swore I wouldn't do it again. But where do I find myself this week? Ya, working every day. I worked Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights. And Thurs-Sunday Days. You will notice that Wednesday is not listed. However, most of the Tuesday night shift happened on Wednesday. So it counts. Plus, I worked every possible shift I could.I could not have worked Wednesday day or night because it would make for a 24 stretch and you can't do that. What I am getting at is, I am tired. I have 2-plus shifts left and my legs are sore. Ugh.

Of the 2 shift trades I am doing this week to get myself into this mess, one is in the bank. So you can bet your bottom dollar, I am doing as little as possible that day. It's gonna be sweet.

Update on weird dream

I checked the notepad beside my bed to see what I had written after that weird dream. And it made no sense to me at all. The only thing that I could remember any detail about at all was the part I already wrote about. But, I will now relay to you what I DID write down. In order.

dental extraction
Al in pink shorts
Arise & Ruin landmine
Ryan hanging under park
Adrian playing bass in the street.

At least I have a reason for the scene of death. A landmine. The rest of it is still a mystery.

Why can't I just have normal dreams?

I had a pretty messed up dream this afternoon. I can't remember most of it (I jotted down the main points, just haven't got back to it) but at the end, I end up in a park. In this park, I come across a scene of death. The bodies of 4 out of 5 members of Arise & Ruin are laying in front of me. I scream " NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" (Usually, I would wake up groaning at this point) Then I hear this high-pitched wail.scream. It sounded like Travis from Cattle Decapitation. When I find the source, it's Ryan, the lone surviving member of Arise & Ruin clinging to the bottom of the park. Apparently now the park is floating in the air. The scene was similar to Luke hanging from the antenna underneath Cloud City. I woke up at this point. Nature called, I wrote down some key points and got back in bed. I tried to get back into the same dream but it didn't happen. I'm interested to look at my notes later and try and remember the rest of it.

Swearing

I am really trying to cut down on my swearing. I'm too casual with it. Plus, foul language is generally used in a negative manner. I don't need negativity. I need positive! So, I don't have a problem using the "F word" in a positive way. ie. That album is fuckin' awesome!

But really, just about any harmless word can be used in a negative way. Like frog. There is nothing wrong with the word frog. If I called someone a frog because they could jump far, that would be okay. If I called someone a frog because they were French, well, that would be negative. It's all in what you mean by it. How it's delivered.

It's just a matter of catching myself. If I stub my toe, instead of saying FUCK, I'll just say OUCH. Or my personal favourite, "FU-cryin' out loud!"

I've just gotten into such a habit of using bad words in my everyday speech. Not around kids, or most of my family. Especially at work. Plant mouth. It's just not necessary.

I've learned that the way you talk to people has a direct relation to how they respond to you. If you talk in a negative manner and/or use foul language, people in general, will be less receptive to what you are saying. If you can speak in an even tone, and use appropriate language, people will be much more likely to respond in a positive (or at least not negative) way.

So, yeah. I have been and will continue to make a concerted effort to revise my general manner of speech and tone to bring more positive into my world and the world around me.

So nevermind the title of my previous entry about speed-challenged elderly drivers. LOL

Funny Story

Yesterday, I laid Amelia down for a nap. She never naps for me. No matter what I try, it just doesn't happen. Anyway, when I laid her down she didn't put up much of a fuss. I thought I might be lucky. She was quiet for about a half hour. Whether she was sleeping or not is up for debate, but I am betting on "no". I heard her running around in her room so I went up to get her. She had taken off her pants and put a Pull-up over her diaper. No biggie. I brought her downstairs.

About an hour later Becky came home from work. The girls rush to the door to greet her. I hear her say something to the effect of "What's going on with your Pull-up?" I mumbled "yeah, I know" from the other room. When I get into the kitchen Becky is stripping Amelia's pull-up off. Well, I should say Pull-upS. As in 6 of them. What I thought was a pull-up over a diaper was in fact 6 pull-ups. How she got them all on is beyond me. I guess she was gearin' up for a pretty serious pee!!

Move it, Gramma!!

Coming home from Kingston the other day, I got stuck behind this old lady driving agonizingly slow and it got me thinking. In general, the relationship between age and speed is inversely proportional. The older you get, the slower you drive. Shouldn't the relationship be directly proportional? The older you get, the faster you drive? For this reason, with "less time on the clock" why would you want to waste time travelling? Wouldn't want to get to your destination faster? So you could fit more in to what precious little time you have left? I know I won't be like that. I'll be 80 years old still listening to Slayer driving 100kph on Hwy 2. That is, if I'm still alive at 80. (2012 anyone?) Plus, 50 years from now, cars will drive themselves at bullet-train speeds while the passengers are experiencing whatever they please using Matrix-like virtual reality. All with inertial dampers so we don't feel acceleration, deceleration or cornering. Unless you wanted to. There would be a VR simulation for that. Everyone needs a dream, right!

Writing the above also got me thinking about gas mileage. In the US system, mileage is measured in mpg (miles per gallon) while in Canada it's L/100km ( litres per hundred kilometers). Wouldn't it be easier to use km/L? I mean, really, that's a really odd what to express a rate. For example, you would say " I can make 50 cookies per hour" not " It takes me 2 hours to make 100 cookies." I guess that's another reason we are called Crazy Canucks!

Sleep lab results.

I got the results from my second sleepover at the clinic. I had NO abnormal breathing incidents.NO abnormal limb movements. I woke up about a dozen times (only remember 1) and my sleep was disturbed 20 or so times. Both of those figures are no cause for concern. I did, however, snore 1710 times in 6 hours and 11 mins. Which works out to roughly 1 every 15 seconds. Their parameters for what qualifies as a snore must be different than mine. If I really snored that much, Becky would have kicked me out of bed long ago! He said that is actually below normal. My heart-rate was fine and my oxygen saturation was good too.

So basically, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my sleep.

I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, great, I don't have a sleep disorder. On the other hand, why the hell am I still so tired!? I go see my family doctor in about 3 weeks. He might put me on a pill he prescribes to shift workers to help them get more restful sleep. I'll stay on the "happy pills" at least until I know that the sleeping pills work. I'd like to be on no prescriptions at all but I have to do what I have to do.

Wish me luck!

So I'm 31 now.

I don't usually talk about my feelings and stuff. At least not in person. I am a little more forthcoming in type. I really hope that my 32nd year of existence goes better than my 31st. A lot of stuff happened while I was 30. Not all of it good. I became a person I didn't want to be. And I am just recently becoming more of a person I can live with. I still have a long way to go. I've made great strides in ridding myself of habits and attitudes that were dragging me down. Up til about February, whiskey had me in its grip and I thought nothing was wrong with me. I thought I was just tired. Looking back, I was in denial. Yes, I was tired (still am) but that was no excuse for being a jerk all the time. I had to wake up and realize that it's okay to get help. I don't have to be the big tough guy and do it all on my own. It's been a year of struggle. A year of looking into myself.  A year of doctor's appoointments and trial and error. A year of distance and pain. A year of pessimism and disappointment. But that year is over and a new one begins.

My 32nd year will be a year of optimism. A year of peace. A year of self-discovery. A year of patience. A year of progress. A year of answers (well, hopefully I get at least one answer next week.Why is my sleep not restful?) A year of creativity. A year of confidence. A year of happiness and joy. This year is the first year of the rest of my life. I intend to make it a good one.

The Following May Be Gross To Most People

You know those bacteria that feed on methane at the deep sea vents? Well, those puppies would be having a smorgasbord in my pants the last couple days. Whoooeeee!! I don't know what I ate but it's pungent. Maybe the Raisin Bran, All-Bran bars and Activia have something to with it? In any case, I wouldn't be surprised if Becky makes me sleep on the couch.

Happy early Birthday to me!

My wife Rebecca is notoriously bad for not being able to wait til the actual occasion to give gifts. Birthdays, Christmas, whatever. This year she was so excited she gave me a gift almost a full week early. She said it was just a small one. In a way, she was right. It's a netbook! A mini-laptop! It's pretty bodacious. I think it's great. It was cheaper than an ebook reader and it does more than just display text. Duh. I'm mainly going to use it to watch movies Becky isn't interested in on my breaks at work and read the multitude of ebooks I have downloaded. Of course, I'll go on the internet too. It's got more storage than my desktop (80 vs 140GB) and because I am only using it for a few things, it's not going to get all clogged up with programs I don't use.

I need to put some Virus protection on it. I think I'll use Avast. It's free and I hear it's good. I also need to figure out why the wireless connectivity is giving me problems. I know it's something minor and I am just missing it. I should check the setting on the old laptop PC and match them up. I'll figure it out. In the meantime, I have to finish watching Underworld: Rise of the Lycans.

Three word Land of the Lost review.

Dumb da-dumb dumb.